DC : DorkCity

Bush's Debate Notes, Pt. 2

2004-10-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

As if these weren't funny enough...

(from http://www.thatsuncalledfor.com/debate_notes/)

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Uh-Oh, Lesko Pt. 2

2004-10-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

We thought that America's least favorite dork--Matt Lesko--would have just stopped at his hideous purple jacket adorned with yellow question marks.

But DCist has the embarassing photo of Lesko's car--badly in need of some pimping.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Please: In Order of Hotness...

2004-10-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

If we may return to our favorite topic: Yahoo's Top 20 Most Emailed Photos...the true weathervane of the American psyche. We've walked this trail before...and been proud when the "cheese"steak ruled the charts, and then worried when one day the beautiful honey was floating down and being topped (figuratively) by stupid fucking pictures of pretty New England houses.

Perhaps the changing of the leaves has resulted in a changing of people's hearts, because today's charts feature, yet again, stupid fucking pictures of pretty New England houses and plenty of stupid fucking pictures of awkward-looking animals.

Let's get our priorities straight people.

Babes, babes, babes...

Get them on top...literally.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Too Cool For School (or at Least DC)...

2004-10-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

There was a time when the Wonkette was but a tiny star--a glowing, but tiny star.

When her red lipstick matched her red hair in ways that could make Metros run on time and Capitol Hill prostitutes come out of the, er, hotel room.

Now that the star has burst, she hangs high about the galaxy...and today she offically turned in her street cred to get bought out by the man.

Todays Wonkette posting, which reads "For all of you who want to interview me, have me appear on your show, or whore myself anywhere, anytime, and at will," is truly a sad moment in the already sad-as-in-pathetic blogosophere.

Of course, perhaps its just a desperate response to the Not-So-Mighty Blog Empire?

Either way, we hope Wonkette comes back home. Soon. And then gets naked and jumps in bed.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Hollywood for Ugly People

2004-10-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

Proving yet again that what passes for cool here is anything but anywhere else, Turner Classic Movies "has invited four prominent U.S. Senators to appear in interviews with host Ben Mankiewicz to introduce significant films in their lives."

The lineup:
John Edwards discusses Dr. Strangelove
John McCain discusses Paths of Glory
Joseph Biden discusses Dead Poets Society
Orrin Hatch discusses To Kill A Mockingbird.
John Kerry discusses Amelie.

Okay, okay, I'm just messin' on the last one.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

WashingtonDC.Dorkslist.Org

2004-10-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Looks like we're not the only dorks hiding behind the computer screen. Apparently, Dork is the New Jock, and people everywhere are embracing their dorkiness.

-BIG DORK - math, history, science and language dork seeks "bride" - 24
-any cute dorky guys out there? - 22
-attractive, driven, semi-dork seeks same - 21
-6'-2", green eyes, naturally blond hair, white, pierced, agnostic, smoker, social drinker, bisexual, IT dork
-I’m snarky, wear dork chic glasses
-Looking for someone that doesn't mind showing me around town, that is active, out-going, fit, fun, has a good sense of humor, smart, but knows when to turn it off and be a dork with me
-I coddle my inner dork
-Yeah, I'm a contented talking dork.
-I am a single white male who is kinda a dork / nerd.
-I am a big dork

Which is not to say that everybody loves us:
-Tired of your typical DC lawyer/politico/dork? Help is on the way - 37
-way to go, dork.
-Fucking dork.
-Keep paying for friends, dork.
-Could you be a bigger dork?
-Whatever, dork
-Which makes this six year old way smarter than you, dork.
-Nice way to live out your fanatsies in cyber land, dork
-I am a not a dork.

All these years later...God, those words still cut like a knife.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

To Move or Not to Move?

2004-10-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

Oh dear...how do we let them down slowly...

MediaBistro Bulletin Boards: "Is Moving to DC a Good Move?"

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Not-So-Smarties

2004-10-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite childhood candy--Smarties--(dorks especially like how their little button shape reminds us of an abacus) has partnered with Rock the Vote and is planning to put get-out-and-vote messages on half-a-million Smarties.

"Don't Be Stupid: Smarties Vote"...the message will read.

Staying home on Election Day is stupid. Also stupid: Thinking that anyone old enough to vote eats Smarties.

Candy maker sweet on elex (NY Daily News)

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

The Not-So-Mighty Blog Empire?

2004-10-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Not a good day for the folks over at the Gawker Media Empire.

First, their whole system crashes.
Then, chatter begins that Gawker has begun to jump the shark.

Et tu, Wonkette?

We have a thing for redheads, and girls with phallic last names, so we're pulling for Ms. Cox.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Giving New Meaning to the Word Shrub

2004-10-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess that answers that question.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Uh-Oh, Lesko

2004-10-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

DCist has the scoop on recent DC sightings of the guy who's SO dorky, even we don't want to be associated with him--Matt Lesko.

DorkCity wants to know this: Why does Lesko, who has made a career out of encouraging old people with too much time and too few friends to extract money from the federal government, realize that he's robbing the hand that feeds him? If the federal government gives away all this money, where will dorks just like him go for employment?

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Dork, er, Staffer of the Month

2004-10-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Is HillZoo's "Staffer of the Month" feature just a way to glorify and glamorize dorks? If so, we're all for it.

This month's installment is rich in dorkiness. Jonathan Edward Kidwell (we just love dorks who insist on using their middle name for Googling purposes)...

...fits the mold for DC Dorkiness, including:

-political aspirations sprung from the womb (First political experience: "I marched with my parents in a pro-life rally as a child.")
-star-struckiness for pols and wonks (First thing he'd do if elected to Congress: "Ask for autographs.")
-misguided use of free-time (Hobbies include arguing loudly, playing XBox and "read great works of literature. And memorize them.")
-skewed worldview (Favorite TV Show: "Definitely, The O.C. BTW, is anyone else ticked that we have to wait until November for the season premier?")
-piss poor come-on lines: ("I guess I’m just enigmatic in general.")

Enigmatic. Right. Just another word for nothing left to lose.

LINKS:
[HillZoo Staffer Archives]

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Dorks Just Wanna Have Sex

2004-10-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

Whenever bloggers are short on things to say (not a frequent occurrence, mind you), they turn to Craigslist for inspiration. Dorks are no exception.

On DC Cragislist's always-entertaining "Casual Encounters" section (where people post messages under such titles as "My dildos have probably been in more women than most guys have - m4w - 32" and "Looking for a girl that would like to be gangbanged - m4w - 33"), one lonely, self-described "complete dork" makes his case for why someone should have sex with him.

"I am just trying to find someone, in an environment were all I get are superficial bimbos, or intellectual dogs. I am superficial AND intellectual. I work in DC (at least until the end of the election cycle), but I don't have political desires... in fact I think politics are full of it. "

Although he is unlike a dork in that he smokes and has tattoos (we nerds are terrified of both), he is truly dorky in that he walks tall and proud--like a midget with a ladder in his back pocket--boasting that his "worst habit in bed is I last too long." Awww...poor baby...

It's amazing what you can get away when you're behind a computer screen. Trust me. We know. That's why we began this blog.

Ladies, one day God will pay you back for having to endure the male drought you're enduring here in DC.

In the meantime, find your Romeo here: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/cas/42527023.html

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Tailgating for Girls (and dorks)

2004-10-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

The metrosexual revolution seems to have made its way to the stadium parking lot (yippee! finally!). A whole slew of tailgating "products" (previously known as "gadgets" when manly men ruled the world, and "things" in the Stone Age) have hit the market in recent years, turning this rare moment of male-bonding (kinky...) into a Martha Stewart Magazine article.

Witness the following dork-friendly tailgating products:

-Tailgating checklists
-Detailed maps of stadium parking lots
-Misting systems to keep you cool (temperature wise, that is...You're still dorky)
-The Professional Tailgater's Cookbook
-Waterproof Paper Towel Holders
-Lace-Net Food Covers

R.I.P. Clark Kent

2004-10-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

To the man who played one of the most beloved dorks of all time...R.I.P. Christopher Reeve.

Dorks with Free-Time and Photoshop

2004-10-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sure, sure, this map of DC Safeways is really useful, blah blah blah...

But based on the picture located on the website's homepage, we have proof positive that this is the work of Grade A Dorks.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

DORK ALERT! DORK ALERT! ATTENTION ALL DORKS!

2004-10-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...Jon Stewart is coming to town.

The dork-turned-must-have-cool-kid who makes dorks everywhere feel okay about themselves (oh, the nerve...) is heading to Politics and Prose on Friday, October 15 at 1 p.m.

Stewart is SO cool, and SO past his dork days that he's not even going to talk--he'll just sign his new book (a textbook, of all things...how dorky).

So get your dork on and join others in an orgy of arguments over who's dorkier: Rob Corddry or Stephen Colbert. (truth be told, it's a toss up...)

Have a great weekend.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Dorks Who Don't Do Their Math

2004-10-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Although it's been floating around the web for a while now, the Post featured a piece in yesterday's Metro section about Darren Williams and his homemade video that suggests a missile or a small plane hit the Pentagon on September 11, not American Airlines Flight 77.

Darren's video is compelling, and the first-hand quotes are convincing enough to almost make you want to run into the woods and call yourself Ted Kaczynski.

Of course, there's only one tiny problem: If the Pentagon truly was hit by a missile or a small plane, Mr. Williams, how do you explain the disappearance of Flight 77 and all its passengers? Where'd they go?

Dorks...They just get downright silly when they get their hands on PowerPoint...

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

UPDATE: Yahoo's Most Popular Pictures

2004-10-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Following up on yesterday's assessment of Yahoo!'s "Most Popular Photos", DorkCity is happy that a somehow perverted picture remains atop the list.

That said, some disturbing changes have taken place since yesterday on the list...a list that we consider to be the true weathervane of the American psyche.

Yesterday's #1 (hee, hee, "cheesesteak"...) has now fallen to #6, and it is now eclipsed by that goddamn steeple picture that apparently is all the rage on the 'Net. Who is looking at that thing?

Worse still, both of them are beating out this gorgeous baby...

We are all truly dorks, indeed.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Will the Real Dick Cheney Please Stand Up?

2004-10-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

Cheney

Bush's Debate Notes

2004-10-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

(from thetalentshow.org)

Unfortunately, the format of tonight's debate in St. Louis won't give President Bush the opportunity to doodle like he did during the first debate. Considering the sheer-dorkiness of the above document (confiscated from his podium following the first debate,), that's a true shame.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Hollywood for Ugly People

2004-10-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

Proving yet again that what passes for cool here is anything but anywhere else, Turner Classic Movies "has invited four prominent U.S. Senators to appear in interviews with host Ben Mankiewicz to introduce significant films in their lives."

The lineup:

John Edwards discusses Dr. Strangelove
John McCain discusses Paths of Glory
Joseph Biden discusses Dead Poets Society
Orrin Hatch discusses To Kill A Mockingbird.
John Kerry discusses Amelie.

Okay, I'm just messin' on the last one.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

A Sloppy Bush on DVD

2004-10-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

Although DorkCity has our issues with the President (he was definitely one of the kids who beat us up in high school...), DorkCity tends to look at his verbal gaffes--aka "Bushisms"--as more endearing than indicting.

When he stumbled over the word 'vociferous' in the first presidential debate, we weren't upset at him for jumbling the English language. Instead, we were proud of him for even attempting to use the word vociferous in the first place.

Although the new Bushisms DVD will only fuel the flames of Bush hatred (after all, Al Franken makes a guest appearance...he sure is hard to track down nowadays, isn't he?), we hope that it helps reinforce the notion that even the meakest among us can power their way to popularity.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

How to Win Friends and Influence People (i.e. Be Less Dorky)

2004-10-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Even though he lives in France (where there's lots of dweebs, but not a whole hell of a lot of dorks), David Sedaris remains the king of the dorks (with Jon Stewart trailing only by a hair and gaining...).

Sedaris is a dork turned popular. Pulling off such a feat successfully (simply trying doesn't count, you dork, we all try...) is more momentous than winning the Tour de France six times or synchronizing your Palm Pilot with both Microsoft Outlook AND Lotus Notes (go on, girl! Do that sh*t!)

In this clip from "This American Life", (a considerable dork enclave) Sedaris waxes poetic about his--and let's be honest: our--childhood attempts to try to hang with the cool kids.

It's like the Capitol Lounge folks trying to kick it at the Common Share. For your own safety, dorks: Don't do it. Adams Morgan will crush your soul.

Everyone Loves Dorks

2004-10-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...DC has proven its secret love for dorks. DorkCity's 1st Whenever-We-Feel-Like-It-Dork Competition has been generating excitement just about everywhere it seems.

We'll withhold comment on Mr. Leiby's decision to co-opt the contest by asking readers to send him dork examples, even though he did so in response to a person recommending he check out our contest. He conceded that he was a dork, so we'll let him off the hook.

Applications are coming in. Of course, the beauty of DC--and why it's DorkCity--is that all the dorks don't really think that they're dorks (since they're in DC and just surrounded with them). Naturally, this only makes them all the more dorkier.

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

DORK ALERT! DORK ALERT! ATTENTION ALL DORKS!

2004-10-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD, OHMIGOD:

Like, did you hear the one of CSpan offering "Debates on Demand"! Dorks everywhere--yippee!

"Debates On Demand: C-SPAN has partnered with several cable operators to offer "on-demand" access to the presidential debates. All three presidential debates and the vice presidential debate will be available "on-demand" in select areas. Access to the debates "on-demand" is available to digital cable customers in certain communities served by Adelphia Cable, Block Communications, Bresnan Communications, Bright House Networks, Cablevision, Charter Communications, Comcast, Cox Communications, Insight, MediaCom, RCN and Time Warner Cable. Please see your cable operator’s "on-demand" channel or contact your local cable company for more information."

What's next? Caucus briefings at your fingertips? Tivo's that automatically record whenever Bob NovAKK! comes on the air? Instant replay of filibusters? Dorks, put away the Jenna Jamesons...you finally have your porn. Congratulations.

1st Whenever-We-Feel-Like-It-Dork Competition

2004-10-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Since DC is DorkCity, why not embrace it? The Hill has their "50 Most Beautiful People" (even though we know that 'beautiful' and 'DC' don't go hand in hand...).

A more accurate representation of our nation's capitol would be the "50 Most Dorkiest Dorks."

Think you're dorky?
Proud of it?
Want to embrace your dorkiness?

Send a picture of yourself at your most dorkiest to dcdorkcity@yahoo.com... "The Dorkiest Dork" winner(s) will be announced shortly...

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Dorks! For Us, By Us, (making fun) Of Us!

2004-10-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

This Saturday at the notoriously-cheap (literally and figuratively) Recessions, the evening's theme will be "Nerds and School Girls."

Finally, we can be ourselves! (Wait, we're always nerdy...) Well, finally we can hang out with hot school girls!

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

"Cheese" Steak

2004-10-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

There's a reason that this picture is the #1 most emailed picture on Yahoo.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/041005/480/px10210052125&e=1

Just depends on what your definition of "cheese" is.

(I know, I know: Such jokes are very, very unbecumming.)

That said, we have no idea why this picture is #2:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/041005/480/pagp10110051953&e=2

-DorkCity, dcdorkcity@yahoo.com

Homeland Insecurity

2004-10-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

It's about time. Those pesky safety rules at Dulles airport were really getting to be quite taxing.

The Washington Post reports today that "People soon will be able to carry guns and other dangerous weapons onto the grounds and parking lots of Reagan National and Dulles International airports, after officials yesterday eased what they said were overly restrictive rules."

The many problematic things:

-"overly restrictive"...? It's called S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y!

-The measure achieved unanimous approval within the board of the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority

-no debate on the measure was allowed.

-passengers will be permitted to "carry guns, knives and other weapons as long as they keep them out of terminals and other buildings that access airfields. Passengers who are taking guns with them on flights still will be allowed to carry them into the terminal but are supposed to make arrangements with airlines in advance." According to James E. Bennett, president and chief executive of the airports authority, approved the new regulations in order to not "inadvertently entrap people"...meaning the freaky rednecks who apparently get claustrophobic if they're in or around the airport without "guns, knives, and other weapons."

Why the sudden change on rules?

"The action comes after pressure from an increasingly high-profile Virginia gun rights group whose members have taken to wearing firearms on their hips in public places to make their case."

Shocker. Well, at least the president is doing his best to protect American citizens. Oh wait: Doesn't he live here? Since the rules don't go into effect until Dec. 1, perhaps they're hoping to tee-up some gangsta-ass sh*t for a potential Kerry presidency...

Well, if monkeys are your thing...

2004-10-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

More shocking, revealing, and disturbing is the Washington Whispers online poll that has President Bush eclipsing John Edwards for best looking candidate.

Seriously.

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/whispers/whisphome.htm#poll

Hell in a handbasket, hell in a handbasket...

For all of you impurity moms wowed by the mill worker's son, now's your chance to make a difference.

-DorkCity

What a Pair (of Boobs, that is...)

2004-10-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Before this Hilton / Lohan 2004 t-shirt becomes exceedingly popular in Georgetown, let's quickly reveal the obviously disturbing things about it.

1.) It's $38. For a f**cking t-shirt. And neither Paris nor Lindsay is short on cash.

2.) It can't be designed all that well. Lindsay has huge (read: fake) boobs and Paris has small (but wishes she had big) ones. This shirt is unlikely to conform to such contrasting body-types.

3.) Lindsay Lohan is working on an upcoming movie entitled, "Fashionistas," in which she plays a "young fashion designer at a internationally renown New York magazine." Paris is, well, Paris: consumer of all that is hip, fashionable, new, and heiress-like...and they choose black letters on a gray shirt? You're better than that kids...

But perhaps these two Hollywood starslut, er, starlets are on to something.

-For all the yapping about all these women who didn’t vote in 2000 (yada yada yada), this all-female (also known as girl-on-girl) ticket may help bridge (also known as straddle) the gap.

-Like President Bush (who was young and irresponsible), these two ARE young and irresponsible. Who wants a has-been? Besides, something tells me that we may finally get those allies on board with a president named Paris…

-Abu Ghraib, Abu-Schmaib…Paris knows all about embarassing videos. As for whips and chains, well, we’re waiting for the second installment.

-Lindsay has RED hair. Paris gives men everywhere BLUE balls (that poor Nick Carter…). There you have it! Political polarization solved! Voila! (That’s French, right…? Like Paris!)

Oh wait…neither are even old enough to run. Drats.

DC Men: Putting the 'Cock' in 'Cocky'

2004-10-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

When the cat's away, the rats come to play.

It's hard to figure out how to best address this horny, cheating Craigslist poster.

On the one hand (the hand he'll use to masturbate if no one responds to this ad), he's more dick than cheney.

On the other hand, (the hand he'll use to smack himself in the face if his girlfriend finds out) there's something to be said for pure, unabashed honesty--DC-style. "Horny, hot, and easy" looking for "horny, hot, and easy."

Of course, hot people don't go on Craigslist. But, easy and horny? That's a whole 'nother story.

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/cas/44718976.html

Edwards's O-Factor

2004-10-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

The whore-ish chorus of borish tyrannosauruses (you know, pundits!) have plugged every crevice of the post-debate analysis except this one: Edwards's O-Factor.

Important questions that remain unanswered: (Anderson Pooper, get on these! You can have them for free!)
-How goddamn friggin hot did Edwards look last night?
-Was that perspiration we saw on his temples? Or just ravenous sexuality exuding from his bad-ass self?
-Does he also tilt to the right a lot in bed, like he did sitting at the desk? That could be weird...but also kind of kinky in a kama sutra, perpendicular-angle sort of way...
-Did aroused women everywhere need diapers when they heard him say, "You have to be strong, and you have to be aggressive"?
-After hearing Edwards talk about his representation of Valerie Lakey, did the same aroused women jealously mutter under their breath, "I bet that Mrs. Lakey gave him a real nice thank you present..."?
-Will he PLEASE call out my name in bed, even though Gwen I-fil-the-debate-with-silly-rules wouldn't let him say Kerry's?
-Do those teeth also glow in the dark? That'd also be kinky, in sort of a night-light sort of way...they could also probably help me find my way to the bathroom afterwards..."

Security moms"? Paleez...Edwards needs to make the sell to impurity moms.

Redundant Punditry

2004-10-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

All good people come to all good things very, very late (think U.S. entry into World War I). Just consider this newest entry into the blogosphere as my "sociably late" entry to the blogtail party (a raver, I'm sure).

Besides, who's really in a hurry to tag themselves with the hideous moniker, "Blogger"? (Well, okay. Maybe Booger wouldn't mind being called a blogger.) Certainly not the cool kids. Blogging sounds more like what we do while hunched over a toilet bowl than a journalistic revolution.

So, I'm late. But so was Johnny Coolkid who was always the last to show up to the high-school keg parties but the first in all of our hearts (er, I mean the women's hearts...right...).

So, as I entry the fray just before it begins to jump the shark, and simultaneously hang up any remaining chance of being cool or getting laid, let me begin by saying:

Thanks for ruining everything. Things were going so well up until...